I did a count the other day. Now that the leaves have started falling, and I realize I had a wonderful summer, I counted on my fingers how many months it’s been since I’ve been officially single.
I was a little shocked. Nine? It doesn’t feel like that long. And yet, it feels super long at the same time. Nine months. It occurred to me that in those nine months, I haven’t done as much dating as I thought that I would. I’ve gone out a few times, but really, my life has been mostly about hanging out with friends, having a good time, and just… being. And I’ve loved most of it.
But I did write about being in love in my last post, and I think the reason I wrote about it, is because in a way, I miss it. I miss having a person you can count on to be happy to see you. I miss the companionship that went with being part of a couple.
Of course I have this with my friends. I don’t mean to make it sound like I’m alone. And there is one very important thing I’ve learned since I broke up nine months ago. I very much appreciate the time I get to be alone in my own space.
Here’s something that dating has taught me. I judge. That sounds horrible, I know. But dating sights teach us to judge people. We judge mostly based on looks. Tinder is the worst for this. It’s a bunch of pictures that you scan through and reject people, until you find one, on site, you’re attracted too. If that person happens to be attracted to you as well, you’re a match. None of that is based on anything other than physical attraction.
I’m a believer that physical attraction is important, but it’s not more important than any other things. To be compatible with someone, you have to be compatible personally, but you also have to be attracted to someone. And don’t we do this out in the world as well? I look at someone across the bar, he smiles at me, I decide on the spot if I’m attracted enough to him to smile back, and if I do we have the first connection without having spoken a word. I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I can’t look at someone and know what they do, what their thinking and where they were before the bar. I can only look at a person and judge their physical appearance.
My ex and I knew each other for about two years before we started dating. We slowly become friends, got to know each other, and I was really attracted to his shoulders looked at from the back. But did I like him right off the bat? No, I didn’t. I know that, because I don’t remember first meeting him. We worked on a film set together, there are pictures of us together, but I don’t remember working with him. In the end, we were together for seven years.
So what’s the formula for meeting someone? Should I look at someone I’ve known for awhile, like, but never been attracted too? There’s a guy at work that fits that description. Two actually, but one I can’t stand, so I’m certain he’s not a good choice. The other one, I think, is holding out for a girl he’s been friends with for years, who seems to jerk him around a lot.
Here’s the thing with a slow build friendship romance. Continue reading