This Thing Called Dating

DatingI did a count the other day.  Now that the leaves have started falling, and I realize I had a wonderful summer, I counted on my fingers how many months it’s been since I’ve been officially single.

Nine.

I was a little shocked.  Nine?  It doesn’t feel like that long.  And yet, it feels super long at the same time.  Nine months.  It occurred to me that in those nine months, I haven’t done as much dating as I thought that I would.  I’ve gone out a few times, but really, my life has been mostly about hanging out with friends, having a good time, and just… being.  And I’ve loved most of it.

But I did write about being in love in my last post, and I think the reason I wrote about it, is because in a way, I miss it.  I miss having a person you can count on to be happy to see you.  I miss the companionship that went with being part of a couple.

Of course I have this with my friends.  I don’t mean to make it sound like I’m alone.  And there is one very important thing I’ve learned since I broke up nine months ago.  I very much appreciate the time I get to be alone in my own space.

Here’s something that dating has taught me.  I judge.  That sounds horrible, I know.  But dating sights teach us to judge people.  We judge mostly based on looks.  Tinder is the worst for this.  It’s a bunch of pictures that you scan through and reject people, until you find one, on site, you’re attracted too.  If that person happens to be attracted to you as well, you’re a match.  None of that is based on anything other than physical attraction.

I’m a believer that physical attraction is important, but it’s not more important than any other things.  To be compatible with someone, you have to be compatible personally, but you also have to be attracted to someone.  And don’t we do this out in the world as well?  I look at someone across the bar, he smiles at me, I decide on the spot if I’m attracted enough to him to smile back, and if I do we have the first connection without having spoken a word.  I’m not Sherlock Holmes.  I can’t look at someone and know what they do, what their thinking and where they were before the bar.  I can only look at a person and judge their physical appearance.

My ex and I knew each other for about two years before we started dating.  We slowly become friends, got to know each other, and I was really attracted to his shoulders looked at from the back.  But did I like him right off the bat?  No, I didn’t.  I know that, because I don’t remember first meeting him.  We worked on a film set together, there are pictures of us together, but I don’t remember working with him.  In the end, we were together for seven years.

So what’s the formula for meeting someone?  Should I look at someone I’ve known for awhile, like, but never been attracted too?  There’s a guy at work that fits that description.  Two actually, but one I can’t stand, so I’m certain he’s not a good choice.  The other one, I think, is holding out for a girl he’s been friends with for years, who seems to jerk him around a lot.

Here’s the thing with a slow build friendship romance. Continue reading

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Confessions and Romance

romantic-bookI have a girly confession to make.  I love being in love.  That might sound kind of dorky, but it’s totally true.  I love the whole thing.  I love wanting to see someone the moment I do… anything.  I love spending way to long texting or talking.  I love having someone to that I go, and who comes see me, just whenever.  I love making up reasons why I can stay even thought I know I can.  I love putting up with tired days, because I stayed up to late.

I’m an independent person.  I’m happy living my life just as me.  I certainly don’t need someone in my life to feel validated.  But I like having someone there.

Am I a romantic?  If you read my blog, you know that I don’t like classifications.  A person can be a great many different things.  But generally, do I like romance?

Here’s the thing about romance.  It’s gotten pretty out of control.  I mean what’s considered romantic really gets out there.  But my ex made me realize that even though I don’t expect or even want huge grand gestures, romance does have a place.

Here’s what I find romantic.  We’ve made plans to get together, something casual, at my place.  We’re going to watch a movie and do… nothing.  No muss, no fuss, just chilling.  You show up at my door, you kiss me like you’ve been thinking about me all day, and hand me a frilly pink carnation that cost you a dollar.  Holy man would you get laid that night. Continue reading

Do I get hit on more than I think??

musicYesterday, I was walking through the mail near my place towards Shoppers Drug Mart to get some hair dye.  Yes, I’m not a natural blonde 🙂  I had my headphones on, listening to a song I really like, just sort of motoring along.  It took me a moment to realize the guy beside me was talking to me.  I pulled off my headphones, and looked at him in surprise.  He laughed, and asked ‘do you feel like you’re in your own world when you’re listening to music?’  I responded with a quippy line, and he smiled.  Then he proceeded to start talking.

I was a little confused at first, glancing around to see if other people were around.  It was a mall, so everyone was minding their own business just like I had been.

Now I’m like any girl.  When someone hits on my, I blush and feel good about myself.  I normally smile and flirt back, and then move on.  Unfortunately, this guy seemed to be going to the same store I was.

I listen to my music a lot while I walk.  And yes, I to lose myself in my own little world.  I’ve often thought to myself that I don’t always meet new people, and I wonder why.  I’ve got a good group of friends, but I’ve known most of them now for years.  Is the reason meeting new people is harder because we’re all in our own worlds listening to music?

I took a look around today, and was surprise how many people had their headphones in.  Not everyone, but certainly most people my age or younger.  We joke at my work when one of us forgets their headphones that they have to ‘face the noise of the world’ without a soundtrack.  I honestly feel a little naked or bored without my headphones on while I go do errands or walk around.  Am I addicted to my music?

New challenge.  I’m going to go the rest of the week without music.  I mean when I’m out in the world.  If I’m walking somewhere, standing in line or just wandering, no headphones, no phone, just head up in the world.  If someone smiles at me, I will smile back.  If someone says hi, I’m going to say hi back.  I want to see how many people I connect with, even briefly, compared to what I do now.

Home Again

SistersMy sister is a bit of a world traveler.  She lived in London for a couple of years, moved back to Vancouver, and then ended up in Australia.  Now she’s back again.

I have to start by saying that I love my sister.  Of course I do, she’s my sister.  I’m going to continue by saying I hate my sister.

Here’s the thing.  She ‘knows’ everything!  You cannot say something without her telling you about when the same thing happened to her.  ‘Once I went to the beach and this clown was giving CPR to a seal while lightning hit the roller coaster.’  Most people would be like ‘wait, what?’.  Not my sister.  She’ll say something like ‘That’s just it, when I was at the beach and the clown was trying to save a seal, the lightning actually missed the roller coaster and hit the Merry go Round.’

Seriously?  Oh yes.

I don’t want to call my sister a liar.  But I have a really hard time believing her stories because they’re always in response to something someone else has said.  It’s simply not possible for one person to have experience everything that everyone else has.  It drives me crazy.

Continue reading

The Blame Game

photoshopIt’s been about 8 months since the boyfriend of 7 years became the ex-boyfriend.  8 months, and I really do feel like I’ve moved on.  I don’t know what the math is on how long it takes you to get over someone, but I really and truly believe I am in a very healthy place right now.

So what’s with the arguments in my head?  Lately, in only the last few weeks, I’ve started having this arguments in my head with him.  Arguments of him blaming me, and me being really calm about it.  I imagine him taking his feelings of betrayal out on me, and me just sort of letting him and being okay with that.  What does that mean?

I want to say that is hows a good state of mind that if I’m attacked, I have the self confidence to be okay with it, but why am I having the arguments at all?  And now of all times?

Only one thing comes to mind.  He posted a picture on Facebook recently where I was like ‘wow, he’s so good looking!’.  But then I thought, wait a minute, I dated him for years, and unless he had jaw surgery that picture looks nothing like him.  I don’t Facebook stalk him or anything, but we didn’t block each other on it, so I see his updates.  This picture I looked at for some time and it kind of confused me.  Everyone Photoshop’s once in awhile, but this seemed really strange.  It just doesn’t look like him. Continue reading

Are We Still Friends

I have a dilemma.  When I broke up with my ex six months ago, there were two friends that we shared.  This couple that we hung out with sometimes I really wanted to make sure I stayed in touch with.  The trouble is my ex moved in with them after the breakup.

I can’t blame him for that.  He needed a place to go and they had a room to rent.  Part of my is totally jealous.  But the bigger part of me is simply worried that the reason they’ve been kind of loose getting back to me is they feel they have to choose a side, and because he lives with them, they’ve chosen him.  And worse, what if he’s telling them all my bad habits?

There was a time I would have said ‘he’d never do something like that’.  But our breakup has taught me that I know absolutely nothing about him, not really.  The way he’s acted in this whole thing has been childish and immature.  I’ve put a lot of effort into just letting him figure things out for himself, because he’s made it clear we don’t care about one another anymore.  He needs his space, and so I’m giving it too him.

But what about our friends.  Is it fair that his proximity to them has totally taken them over from me?  And I don’t want to keep badgering them and put them in a position where they feel awkward.  I feel like the best option is to sort of give up on them, but the very thought makes me very sad.  But if they feel the have to choose, and the chose the person living in their house, I can’t begrudge them that.

I hope my ex will come around and realize that he’s making this harder than they have to be.  I hope he can look back and realize that we were friends, and that part was always strong.  I hope he understands that this isn’t just about him, and that wallowing in his own pain affects more than just him.  But mostly I hope that our friends remain my friends as well as his.

I wanted to text… Then I remembered we don’t talk anymore

just-friends1Ending relationships suck.  I don’t think there’s one better situation than the other.  Sure I’d rather break up amicably than catch a guy cheating on me, but hey, that’s just me.  No matter what the situation, if it was a long term relatively good relationship, there’s always going to be that part of you that misses the friend.

The cliche term ‘I want to be friends’ has a bad wrap now a-days.  But why is it so very bad.  I was in a relationship for seven years.  In those seven years, even when relationship things weren’t amazing, we still talked.  We talked about our day, or what we wanted to do on the weekend.  We talked about the new movie we saw, or what are friends did that was so crazy.  I got used to telling someone everything that happened to me, and having them laugh at the crazy, and comfort me in the sad.  In my case, the relationship ended simply due to a lack of attraction.  To this day, months later, I do not regret my decision to leave the relationship.  But what I do miss, is the friendship.

I have other friends, but none as close as I was to him.  No matter what, no one knows you like the person you live with.  No one gets it.  I find myself experiencing something, and immediately want to tell him about it.  Only he’s not talking to me yet, so I can’t do that.

That’s what it means to ‘just be friends’.  It can be selfish if one person is really hurt, but it’s a desire to keep that connection of the person who knows you so well.  There was no love loss between us, it was only a different kind of love.  We still cared deeply about one another to the end, but we hadn’t been intimate for some time, and we’d just stopped going out of our way for one another.  But we still talked.  We still went out and hung out with friends.

Don’t immediately scoff at the idea of just being friends because you’re angry.  There are definitely situations where people should not, and could not remain friends.  But sometimes, if the relationship has just faded on both sides, friendship could be another option.  You could be giving up one of the most meaningful friendships of your life by just walking away.