Yesterday I wrote about seeing my ex for the second time in over a year and a half (you can read it here). The first time was a few weeks ago, but over the weekend we actually sat down for a chat. I explained how seeing him again has convinced me that I shouldn’t have him in my life as friends should really bring you up, not bring you down. I’d like to follow up on that.
I’ve spent the last year and a half absolutely dominating life. I’ve slowly worked my way up to a happier and healthy me. The happiest and healthiest I’ve been… ever!! I’ve never regretted the choice I made breaking up with him because I simply feel so much better about myself. The longer we spend apart, the less and less he is part of my thoughts. I remembered him in this sort of fond way. The good memories are definitely coming through, and I could honestly say to people that I had nothing but good feelings for him. Other than stories and some things that reminded me of him, I had begun to go about my life without considering him anymore.
The last two days has been totally different.
After seeing him and talking to him, I wrote the post about how uneasy I was. It took me a long time to realize the reason why. Just being around him brought me back to how I used to feel. Inadequate. My year and a half of hard work had taken a massive hit and I was reverting back to the person I had been with him. So I decided I wasn’t going to pursue being his friend anymore. Yesterday I wrote about it, but I still felt uneasy. I have now spent the last two days thinking about him, feeling totally confused, and I’m a little angry about it. I still don’t regret my decision, and in fact I feel completely justified in it now. After spending so much time being happy lately, I resent that he so easily kicked me down.
A year and a half feeling amazing, working through this break-up and re-taking my life, one meeting with him has turned me into an obsessive ex-girlfriend. I’m not obsessing over whether or not I made the right choice, I’m obsessing over my choices in relation to his. I stayed up late last night thinking about him, and I thought about him as I got ready this morning. The more I thought of him, the angrier I seem to get. And then I realized I was comparing my life to his as if it somehow reflected badly on me? What? How is me being happier than I’ve ever been in any way a failure?
Here are the points I really need to remember….
1.) Seeing him again showed me that he has something to prove to me, while I don’t have anything to prove to him.
2.) The things that used to drive me crazy like his ‘health issues’ are worse than ever. To explain, he’s one of those ‘I have a cold like everyone else, only mine is way worse and I’ll probably need antibiotics, three doctors visits and then I’ll complain about it for a week.’ His new thing is that he thinks he might have celiac… please shoot me in the face. He does not have celiac. We had pizza a million times living together. One of my close friends has celiac disease and keeping herself healthy takes up 100% of her focus when eating!
3.) He hasn’t achieved more than me in the last year and a half. This sounds petty, but he spent a lot of time during the meeting telling me how much he’s done. When people do that, pushing and pushing to show how successful they are, they usually feel like they have to justify what they’re doing. I’m glad he’s working and doing well, but trying to make me feel like I’m not as successful is petty. He’s in the same job, making the same money, and he has the same pet peeves at work. I’m happy for his achievements, but if we want to compare professional lives, I’m twice what I was when we broke up. I have a new job, with crazy awesome new achievements, good pay and lots of room to grow. I didn’t say any of that during our conversation. It was all about him. He barely asked me about my own work so I didn’t volunteer information.
4.) He’s just as selfish as always. I read this article a little while ago on dating a narcissist on GOOP. I was surprised to find that the traits are common to his. I always assumed a narcissist only cared about themselves, but it’s much more subtle than that. It’s about self-doubt more than anything. If I achieved something, he would have had to achieve more. If I had a doubt about him, instead of helping work it out, he would take it as a personal attack and turn it on me so fast. If I didn’t give him the right amount of attention he would shut down and be a child about it. He’s just the same now. This meeting was all about him. He updated me on his life, but asked me very little about my life. He threw things at me about our relationship, subtly, but I didn’t feel the need to do the same.
I didn’t exactly want this to become a competition, but there are some key points that I need to make sure I learned from this. It’s obviously affected me so it’s important to understand why. All the things that caused our relationship to fail are still present. He’s apparently the victim in all of this, and he’s going to make sure I know it. And he’s still struggling with the same old daily dilemmas while I’ve grown so much and achieved so much happiness, that there really is no point comparing.
There, I feel better getting all that out. Sometimes letting it jumble around in your mind is not a good thing. It’s okay to feel like your being attacked and then get defensive if you can’t understand why. I didn’t get defensive while he and I were talking. In fact I was nothing but kind and polite. It was afterwards that I started to feel abused. I’m glad my mind allowed me to step away so I didn’t do something emotional and tell him he could go to hell. Instead I hope he sees that I didn’t care. I hope he noticed that I didn’t try to one up him in anything. In fact, I’ve decided that it’s sad that he feels the need to do that and I’m thrilled that I’ve grown so much!!