Struggling with Food

I go up and down.  Usually my downs are not so bad anymore, but lately… To say I’ve been yo-yo-ing is a totally understatement.  I start off every morning super healthy with a nutrient infused smoothie.  Lunch can be hit or miss, bur normally I don’t go unhealthy.  And then dinner… oh dear.  I can’t seem to keep the healthy eating going throughout the day which is so weird because normally if I start good, I naturally end good.

Stress is a factor for sure.  For some reason I’m totally loosing faith in myself at work.  I’m doing really well so there’s no reason to be so hard on myself, but I can’t help lying in bed worrying about what I’m going to accomplish the next day.  Every morning I get up stressed, and then I get to work and I just start working without looking back.  Normally at the end of the day I feel okay, but I drown my day of anxiety with a pizza or a bag of chips, which adds guilt to the anxiety.  Oh dear, what am I doing to myself?  I feel bad, so I eat, which makes me feel bad, so I eat… I hate this game.

Being healthy is a chore.  It’s always and it’s constant.  I’m hitting a point where I’m giving up the war, and I feel awful that I am, which adds to the anxiety.  Have you ever felt anxious about being guilty about eating bad because of anxiety?

So here’s the plan.  Tonight I’m going to go for a run.  I don’t care what I feel like when I get there, I’m just going to do it.  And I’m going to eat veggies no matter what.  That’s it.  Tonight I’m taking care of myself.  It will be the first step to dealing with this anxiety and finding my confidence again.

Here’s a strange part.  I’m not anxious or unhappy about the way I look right now.  I mean sure a few pounds have crept back on, but not a large number.  I’m more just upset about letting anxiety back in.  Fore awhile I feel like I’d conquered it, and yet here I am, dealing with it once more.  It’s not the eating I need to curb, it’s the anxiety.  The only way I know how to deal with anxiety is with exercise.  So you know what, screw the food.  I’ll just make sure I put as many veggies into things as possible for now and keep my energy up.  Instead, I’m going to focus on moving.  Tonight I’ll run.  Tomorrow morning I’ll at least stretch, depending on how I feel after my run.  Tomorrow I’m going to bring my gym clothes to work.

There, that is my goal for two days and I’m going to stick to it no matter what.  Tomorrow I’ll make another goal.

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