Why Can’t I stop it Getting to Me?

angry-womanFour days ago, I handed in my notice at work.  At first, I felt great.  It went well, and I had a sense of freedom.  When things would come that would normally stress me out, I had a carefree attitude about it.

Until today.

Today was a typical day.  The type of day that convinced me to quit in the first place.  That type of day that makes you feel used and abused, and your frustration bubbles over into anger before you can even think about it.  Your ‘team’ sits around and does fuck all while you carry them.

Part of you is smug about it.  What the hell are you guys going to do after I’m gone?  It’s going to be one hell of a wake-up call.  But the other part of you is thinking that they can go screw themselves for being able to make you feel this way, even though the out is just hovering in the future.

But what does it still get to me?  I’m free!  I’m out!  I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and yet… bam, I still feel like shit.  I have to go for a walk because I’m so fed up there’s no coming back from it.  I go outside in the cold fog, breath a few deep breaths, and think ‘why am I still out here?’.

It’s been a strange week for a couple of reasons.  First, I’m not the only one who handed in my notice.  I’m one of three.  That’s a little shocking, especially because we’re a pretty small office.  Less then 30 people in the entire company.  So three people suddenly leaving is a big deal.  And of those three, all three of us our team leaders and major players.  We didn’t plan it that way, but when it happened we looked at each other with wide eyes, and knew that we were each  making the decision for ourselves.  The week started with our boss saying things like ‘HR is going to be a big focus in the future’.  Today, only four days later, she’s blaming us for not taking care of issues ourselves.  Because apparently management isn’t responsible for everyone feeling taken advantage of.  Hearing her throw responsibility back on the team just made me feel… defeated.  Even after this, with three people leaving at once, and more speaking out their unhappiness, it’s still not her fault.  The work conditions are so bad that we’re experience a mass exodus, and it’s still not the companies fault.  The moral is so low in the office that leaving is the only option, and it’s all our fault.

Now, I want to point out that I do take responsibility for the parts that I played.  I could have taken more initiative, but I’m not management.  I could have come forward and said ‘the company needs to change!’, but freedom of speech is not something practiced here.  We’re just as likely to be ridiculed publicly by our higher ups than actually taken seriously.  I tried to speak up numerous times, and I even broke down in tears in my boss’ office once when my frustration hit a boiling point, and she promised things would change.  Well they haven’t, and now I’m leaving, and it’s still not here fault.

This team is dysfunctional on so many levels.  But what bothers me the most is the age old problem of calling people a ‘team’ when only one or two people do all the work and carry the others.  I’m always one of those people who carry’s other, and I always resent it.  I allow myself to be taken advantage of, and so they take advantage of me.  I’m sitting at my desk, feeling ready to just walk out of here, and if I do I will be called too sensitive and easily angered.  Even though it took hours to get to this point, they’ll say I’m just prone to drama.  I hate drama.  I hate being part of a team that makes me, or anyone else, feel this way.  That is why I’m leaving.

So why does it still get to me?  I can’t repeat in my head that I’m leaving and make it suck less.  The days left are going to drag on like scorching hot deserts.  I’m going to resent the people around me over and over again, and I can’t stop myself.  I just want to shake my brain and let it all go, but I can’t.  I’m still affected.

Any tips on shutting things out of your mind are greatly appreciated!!!

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