The Blame Game

photoshopIt’s been about 8 months since the boyfriend of 7 years became the ex-boyfriend.  8 months, and I really do feel like I’ve moved on.  I don’t know what the math is on how long it takes you to get over someone, but I really and truly believe I am in a very healthy place right now.

So what’s with the arguments in my head?  Lately, in only the last few weeks, I’ve started having this arguments in my head with him.  Arguments of him blaming me, and me being really calm about it.  I imagine him taking his feelings of betrayal out on me, and me just sort of letting him and being okay with that.  What does that mean?

I want to say that is hows a good state of mind that if I’m attacked, I have the self confidence to be okay with it, but why am I having the arguments at all?  And now of all times?

Only one thing comes to mind.  He posted a picture on Facebook recently where I was like ‘wow, he’s so good looking!’.  But then I thought, wait a minute, I dated him for years, and unless he had jaw surgery that picture looks nothing like him.  I don’t Facebook stalk him or anything, but we didn’t block each other on it, so I see his updates.  This picture I looked at for some time and it kind of confused me.  Everyone Photoshop’s once in awhile, but this seemed really strange.  It just doesn’t look like him.

And I’m not talk about ‘he lost a little weight’ or ‘got a new haircut’, I mean he grew bones on the side of his face to make his whole head wider.  I puzzled about it for awhile, even looking up older pictures of him to make sure I wasn’t crazy.  And I’m right.  He always had a bit of a narrow jaw, which was sort of his one major flaw.  Why change yourself in a picture so drastically that you look like a different person?  Why post it on facebook when all you friends know it doesn’t look like you?  It made me feel kind of sad for him.

And naturally, because I’m a girl, I assumed it meant something for me.  He was never the most confident guy.  He hid it well, but he always struggled with it.  Did our breakup do even more damage to him?  Am I finally in a healthy place but he’s sunken down somewhere he needs to alter pictures so drastically just to post them?  And this is when I start feeling bad, and remembering my thoughts on how mad I was at him for acting like he was the only wounded party.  I wanted to say ‘man up’ and move on.  But now I’m thinking that if he needs to blame me, that’s okay.  I’m healthy, I’m happy, I smile and laugh, and I love life right now.  So if he needs to blame me, then that’s okay.

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