I have something I want to admit. I met this guy on POF a few weeks ago that I previously dubbed ‘fake doctor guy’. Here’s the confession part. I’m intimidated by him.
In my mind, he seems to good to be true. I mean, seriously. A doctor. over six feet. Handsome. Funny… seriously?
I know that whenever you meet someone in real life, it always turns out way differently then you think it will. I know that I might end up being disappointed. But after my last relationship ended, and I was left recovering my body image, I feel like he’s someone I want to end up with. This fictional version of him I’ve created is someone I want to end up with. So I’m not ready to meet him. Not at all. I’m working hard at being confident in myself, but I look at myself and think ‘if he’s my ideal man, what are the chances that I’m his ideal woman?’. I don’t think I am. I’m not my ideal woman right now, and to meet someone like him I have to re-find the confidence in myself that my last relationship robbed me of.
So instead I’ve picked a few guys that are…let’s say not ideal. That sounds horrible, but it’s totally true. Guys I’m more comfortable meeting at the moment. Guys I may not be interested in, but who I might end up having a great time with. Low key, casual. Is that selfish? I feel like it’s steps. The first step is to go out on a date. The second step is to maybe get a little intimate. Maybe down the road, I could meet someone like ‘fake doctor guy’ in person and not be intimidated. I know that I can get there. I know that if I was at my weight from a few years ago, I wouldn’t be this self conscious about it.
It makes me a little angry, to realize how bad I allowed myself to get in my last relationship. I don’t mean weight wise, I mean emotionally. Emotionally, I’m totally fucking damaged. Like seriously, he did a number on me. I mean like pummel you to the floor, spit on your corpse destroyed me emotionally. It’s partly my fault, because I let it happen. But it happened so gradually I didn’t really know. He very slowly chipped away at me soul until I had no idea who I was anymore.
I believe strongly that he had this idea of who I was. An idea of the person he was with. He wanted me to be that person so he didn’t really appreciate all the other sides of me. When I said or did something that wasn’t within his view of me, he just sort of managed to make me feel sort of uncomfortable about it. He would say stuff like ‘okay, you don’t usually do that’ or ‘well that’s our of the norm’. It used to drive me crazy, because it wasn’t out of the norm for me, but he made me feel like it was after awhile. He never supported the things that I tried to change, and even used to give me some crazy hesitant sounds when I said something like ‘I’m going to get my hair cut tomorrow’. Seriously? Apparently he ‘likes me the way I am’. that’s unfair. It’s really unfair. If you like someone, you like them no matter how they do their hair. If you like someone, they shouldn’t have to stay a unchanging statue of a person that you’ve molded.
Anyway, I have work to do to regain myself. A lot of work. I’m happy to say that it’s slowly coming. It’s slowly happening. But I’m not there yet, and so I’m intimidated at the idea of meeting someone I’ve built up to be someone I really like. Someone I hope likes me back. I don’t want to get into a situation like that until I’m confident in myself once more. Once I am, I truly believe the intimidation will be gone. But I guess we’ll see. Maybe it’ll only be replaced by anxiety 🙂
On an off note, I hope he’s really as nice as he seems to be.