The want of connection

relationshipsDee and I were sitting together last night, chatting about the future and the longing to be with another person.  When I first met her, Dee was just getting over a divorce, and she said with a lot of force ‘I am not going to be with anyone, ever!’  Trying to be the supportive friend, I did not tell her she was wrong, instead I said ‘it’s going to be interesting to see how this conversation changes a year from now.’  Last night, I brought my answer up again, because after two years, it’s so different.

Now that the anger has faded, and Dee is feeling healthy and good about herself, that longing has come back.  The longing to have someone else there.  Not just anyone, but someone you can connect too.  Sometimes who will hold your hand while you watch TV, or cuddle with you when you go to sleep.

Longing for someone is not about being uncomfortable with yourself.  It’s not about being self conscious.  It’s about being open and aware, and understanding that while you are perfectly happy being alone, you’d prefer to have someone to share you life with.  It’s about having someone to talk to who wants to listen.  As humans, we are built to socialize and be affectionate.  If we weren’t, there wouldn’t be so big a social focus on it.  We’re made to love and share ourselves.

I’m glad she waited this long to do it.  She’s come so far from the sad, angry woman who I first met.  She’s not hiding pain so much anymore.  She can understand the moments she gets sad, and knows where they come from.

I’m not ready.  I feel like I am, but I have this nagging suspicion in the back of my head that says I’m not.  A relationship ending after so long is bound to leave marks, no matter how much better I feel now that it’s over.  I feel like I’m holding myself back instead of being emotionally not ready, based on the suspicion that I’m emotionally not ready.  But I’m not afraid to try.  I believe in being open to experience, and putting yourself out there.  If you can find a way to be confidence with yourself, then even rejection won’t affect you quite as much as it has in the past.

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