Unrealistic Love

Do I have unrealistic ideas of love and affection?  I think a byproduct of the media is that everyone does to some extent, men and women.  But as I am a female, I can only see it from a female perspective.  In my mind, the things I want do not seem that far fetched. 

Talking to a guy in my office today who has also gone through a breakup  not to long ago, we compared notes on what it was like for him in comparison to me.  The situation was a little different, but also a little the same.  The girl was the one that left in both our relationships, but we were in different places.

I’ve been thinking lately that my ex is being pretty selfish.  I know that now that we’re not together, I really have no right to demand that he thinks of me.  But I feel like he’s acting as if he’s the only person that was hurt.  It’s all about him and the time he needs.  But he hasn’t once asked me what I need to get through this, although I have mentioned that I’m trying to give him what he needs.  I’ve been frustrated because I feel he’s being immature.  In my mind, I think we need to deal with things now so that we don’t have to later on.  We can move on and begin living our new lives.  We had a huge issue because we lived together, so there are things we simply have to talk about.

My friend at work said that if it were him, he wouldn’t want to see me either.  He explained to me the internal way he deals with things, and how it’s better to just avoid or not deal with it because you feel like if you heal a little first, those situations would be easier.  I have to admit to having trouble with that.  I’m a ‘let’s get it over with’ kind of person, and I don’t understand the mentality of dragging it out. But he said it’s not dragging it out, it’s taking your time and trying to ignore the things that make you feel the worst.

Do all guys feel this way?  Is it common for a male to sort of distract himself in his life and decide he doesn’t want to deal with anything?  After six and a half years of relationship that came to a slow end, is it really so hard, so painful, for a guy to just man up and do what needs to be done?

I always felt in my relationship that I was the one to make the hard decisions.  I brought up the problems.  I forced the situation when I felt like it needed to be dealt with.  It wasn’t because I liked doing any of that, but because if I didn’t, then he wouldn’t, and it would linger and fester.  That never changed through our entire relationship.  I brought it up time and time again, and the response I got was that ‘he’ll try harder, but he naturally avoids confrontation’.  It drove me crazy.  Do guys realize how much worse it is if we find out a different way that it’s been going on forever?

I want someone who will talk to me.  I want someone who won’t let something fester because he understands it will make me more unhappy if it does.  I feel that love should be easy.  We hear all the time that love and relationships take work.  Is this really true?  I believe it’s give and take, and there’s only so much room to be selfish, but how much work becomes too much work?

Our relationship was always hard.  Now that I look back on it, there were a lot of things we had to work at over the years.  There were always things that upset me, and I felt I couldn’t talk to him about it.  I worked at accepting him for who he was, and trying to find ways to make it work in my life.  With the way things have ended now, I wonder if all of that was really worth it.  When you’re in love, you believe that everything is worth it.  But I feel that if there’s that much work, eventually the good might not be good enough to be payment for all the work.

Is it unrealistic to long for a relationship that is much less work?  Can there not be more good than bad?  Do we really have to earn every little bit of happiness we get in a relationship?

I don’t believe we do.  My goal is going to be to open myself up to love and life, and experience it in a pure way.  We’ll see how often work gets involved, and if there’s any way to get to a place where the work is non existent next to the amount of happiness you feel.

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