I sing in the care. That’s right, I sing, out loud, in my car.
Yesterday on the way home, born to be wild came on the radio. Who doesn’t love that song? Halfway through the song I realized I was singing loudly, and smiling. All the way home I thought about it, how often I smiled and laughed now. I thought about how easy it is for me to be outgoing, and converse with everyone at work. It’s easier to be friendlier and get the things done I need to get done. And all because I’m happy.
I used to think that happiness was such a stretch for me. It’s been so long since I’ve been happy. A year ago, I was put on anti-anxiety pills because I had a few rather unpleasant panic attacks. I hate being medicated, but as I was struggling, I allowed my doctor to help me. They stopped the panic attacks, but they didn’t make me happier. For months I was sort of just…mellow. Nothing really penetrated. As my relationship got closer and closer to its end, I felt more and more unhappy. I thought about the journey back to happiness, and it seemed so long. At the end, it took two weeks 🙂
I am not saying that everyone should break up with their significant others in order to be happy. That could be the worst possible thing you could do. Everyone is different. But I came to realize that the things I thought I was unhappy about, didn’t really matter to me. I was stuck, so I made excuses for myself. As soon as I have the courage to do the thing I was most afraid of doing, it almost instantly changed for me. Two weeks later, I’m singing in the car, pushing harder during workouts, feeling and looking healthier and laughing and chatting happily with my roommate and friends. I feel in control, and yet I’m not actively controlling everything. I feel like everything is at my fingertips. I can be the person I choose to be. There is nothing holding me back.
Sometimes choosing happiness for yourself means doing something that frightens you. I seriously didn’t want to break up with my boyfriend. I love him, and I didn’t want to hurt him. I was constantly stressing about how he would take it, and whether or not he would hate me. I realize now that it’s okay if he hates me. I still care about him, and if he needs me I’ll be there, but this was the best thing I could do for myself.
Being selfish is not always a bad thing. It can be, but not always. I believe more and more that if you’re happy, all by yourself, and you love yourself, then relationships will come easily. That’s my goal, to be happy with and about myself. I want to feel the way I feel now for as long as humanly possible.